My Partner Does Not Want Children. RelationshipOn May 28, 2021 by Helen Rogers
The wife wants kids, but the husband doesn’t. What lies behind the problem? How to find a way out of this seemingly dead-end situation
Today we are going to break down such a difficult situation: when the husband does not want to have children. With what can all this be connected: what kind of fears, beliefs? And what to do with all this?
Uncommon case where they lived normally, a child was born, and in two or three years the couple split up
Take the two classic cases. The first – this is when the man has not had children, and he does not hurry to have them. A man doesn’t want kids – he’s 30 or 40 and he’s not ready yet, he hasn’t had enough, and he says to his woman, “I can’t take responsibility,” or something like that. “And then I’m not sure if you’re going to love me like you did before, and not give all the love to our son. And whether you’ll be the same model after giving birth, I’m not sure.” The birth of a child very often changes family relationships. It is not uncommon when you lived normally, the child was born, and two or three years later the spouses split up.
The second case is when the man already has children from his first marriage. And you are his second, third, fifth young wife, who is ready to have children. And the man says, “I already have children, I do not need it. If your natural instincts prevail, and you strongly want children, then you know that you and I will have to break up. At first the woman agrees, but by the age of thirty nature takes its course, and she feels a burning desire to be a mother. And here comes the conflict. The man already knows what it is, and knows how hard it is. Perhaps he was (and still is) a very good father: take your children to classes, sections, but did not get adequate return.
Also, can play a negative role sad experience with his previous wife: perhaps they shared children, maybe she cheated on him. That is, there were problems there, and his wife was blackmailing him about the children, that is why today he does not want to repeat this traumatic situation. He’s been through all that, and now he can finally live for himself.
Now let’s see: what should you do if your husband doesn’t want children? First, do not rush and do not ring any bells. It happens that a girl is only 23-24 years old, and she is already beginning to rebel and panic about the fact that she still does not have children. And the pressure of family/family members can also play a role. Maybe it makes sense to approach this more deliberately? First, have a career, and by the age of 30-35, maybe your spouse will mature with you.
Be sure to clarify what it is he is afraid. Why her husband does not want children? Because sometimes it turns out that he is afraid of something in general, but has not figured out himself what it is. It is very important to talk about it and debunk some of his irrational fears. For example: “Let’s see what exactly it is that you are afraid of, and let’s just plan it out, model it for the future. Let’s say you don’t want to wake up at night: you have to get up early for work. Okay, you won’t get up at night.”
In addition, an important financial issue: who will pay for babysitters, to feed grandmothers with gifts, to furnish a large apartment, so as not to need anything. And if he already has adult children, he most likely raised them in the years when he had no money. And that experience was really hard. And it’s worth explaining to your man that it’s all easier today. Today there are babysitters and diapers and stuff like that.
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The financial issue is important: who will pay for babysitters, provide grandmothers with gifts, furnish a large apartment, so as not to need anythingThe financial issue is important: who will pay for babysitters, provide grandmothers with gifts, furnish a large apartment, so as not to need anything?
Next, it is worth to schedule a schedule of life, so he understands that the child does not threaten his freedom and your relationship. For example, on weekends you can send the child to grandparents to spend more time alone. From a financial standpoint, it also makes sense to discuss, “You know how big the child support is these days? You don’t even have to spend on strollers or cribs: the state provides it all now.”
Really, if despite all the objective difficulties, you want a baby and he doesn’t, he’s just not ready. Husband does not want children? You should not in such a case try to cheat to get pregnant without making an agreement about it. Because then this can cause a lot of problems in the relationship. It happens that the child is born and the man is doing well, he loves him. But there are times when it’s not, and then the man will have an excuse to say, “I didn’t want this baby. It was your dream, so take care of it yourself. In fact, you may even face a difficult choice: to stay with this man, but without children, or to part and have from another. Think it over carefully before you decide!