How to Make Up After Quarrels: GuideOn March 5, 2021 by Helen Rogers
How to do things in a way that doesn’t make things worse
Today we decided to talk about how to make up properly if there is a fight between you and your significant other. The main thing is not to worry and not to think that all is irrevocably lost.
Conflicts and their constructive resolution – the only way to achieve harmony in a couple
Why is it normal to fight?
Conflicts and their constructive resolution is the only way to achieve harmony in a couple.
Why conflicts and quarrels don’t have to be avoided:
- You will begin to trust each other more.
If you manage to talk without getting personal, but at the same time not suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them available to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will realize this when the storm settles. After experiencing one quarrel, you will be less afraid of the next ones. You will become more trusting of your partner and yourself, knowing that you are quite capable of handling possible disagreements.
- After a quarrel you will feel much better.
If you manage to express your emotions and let off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and fear. This will have a positive impact on your mental health as well as physical. Of course, this does not mean that you need to dump all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it’s better to say what’s on your mind than to keep it inside and wait for it to work itself out.
- Your partner will know your thoughts and feelings
No matter how close you are, your partner can’t read your thoughts. He probably just doesn’t have a clue how much a topic is affecting you. Try not to accuse, and talk about your feelings, about how your partner’s behavior affects you. Psychologists call this self-talk.
- You will become closer.
During arguments, you find out what is important to your partner, what he loves, what he wants, how he builds boundaries, how flexible he is, what hurts him and what he needs to feel better about himself.
- You will become a better person.
You learn to focus on what’s most important. On the fact that your significant other is very important to you and you want your significant other to be happy. So you become more patient, understanding and caring, and you learn to truly love.
- You will learn that you don’t have to be perfect.
Fights show that you are only human. Sometimes you’re in a bad mood, sometimes you’re overcome with stress, and sometimes you’re simply tired. Accordingly, neither can your relationship be perfect.
How to make up properly: tips
- If the quarrel is serious (with tears, screaming, breaking dishes and slamming doors) the best thing both partners can do is to calm down and be alone with themselves for a while. Even if you are wrong and you want to run to your loved one with tears of remorse, wait a while.
- If you have decided to reconcile, don’t aggravate the situation with words like “Though you were wrong, I am ready to forgive you”, “Okay, I was wrong, but you started it first” etc. This is likely to cause aggression and a second round of scandal. Forget the recriminations. And don’t abuse the game of silence: if you don’t want to talk yet, say quietly that you still need time.
- in order not just to make up, and not to quarrel about it in the future, you need to deal with the situation and make appropriate conclusions.
- After stating your point of view, listen to him carefully. Do not interrupt, do not insert caustic comments, otherwise your partner will close and will not explain anything to you.
- Relationships are not a fight in the ring, you have no task to win. So be able to admit your mistakes, ask for forgiveness.
- Forget about pride. Many people make their pride a principle that allows them to manipulate men for a while, but it does not last. In the battle of “female pride” versus “female wisdom” the latter invariably wins.
- The proverb “wiser in the morning” does not work in this case. It is better for a couple to clarify conflicts without carrying them over to the next day. Practice shows that often the night spent in offenses and worries does not contribute to the speedy reconciliation.
- Don’t blackmail: Blackmail and threats are not arguments in principle. This is essentially a veiled order – “Do as I want, otherwise you will be in trouble. Of course, in this way you can get what you want, the only problem is that no one likes to feel cornered and helpless. And the reaction is sure to follow, just maybe not right away. But you certainly will not like it.
- Don’t pick fights in private. If you quarrel, there is no need for others to know about it. You can negatively adjust friends and relatives to your beloved, which in the future may reflect badly on the relationship.
- Embrace each other. It is proved that it is simply impossible to be mad at your loved one for a long time if he or she hugs and kisses you. Try to physically demonstrate tenderness and care. Perhaps at first it will seem a little unnatural. But then you’ll realize that sometimes it’s much better than words.
Opinion of a psychologist
Renowned psychologist Labkovsky told how to properly quarrel and make up:
- The first rule is to fight more often. This is a joke, of course, but in fact it is very true. The sooner you voice your discontent, the sooner the nascent anger or resentment boils over, the easier and shorter the quarrel will be.
- The second rule: one reason – one quarrel. Do not mix in her previous conflicts, stories from your past, examples of girlfriends, and even more do not make far-reaching conclusions (“Today he plays jazz, and tomorrow he will sell his country” – a perfect example of the absurdity of it).
- The third rule: it is absolutely taboo to make analogies with the parents of the “accused” or, worse, to blame the parents themselves for the cause of the quarrel. Even if in fact his mother raised him badly, you shouldn’t mention it out loud. Children are even more taboo. Only two adults are involved in a fight between two adults. Don’t even virtually involve other characters in your conflict.
- Fourth rule: there are two forbidden phrases that, regardless of the sequel, should not be said. These are: “You always” and “You never.”
- Fifth rule: To reduce the heat of the quarrel, berate the act or action, but not the person. Better: “If I see dirty dishes in the sink one more time, I’ll explode!” Not, “You didn’t do the dishes again, I’m sick of it!”
- The sixth rule, though it probably should have been called the first: Remember that everyone needs some alone time from time to time. Most quarrels could be avoided if the person who intends to initiate the quarrel would stay quiet and alone for a while.
- The seventh rule: yell. I’m totally serious, let your feelings run wild, that way the quarrel will be extinguished faster, because your fuse will run out. I’ve heard many times that it is contraindicated to scream, they say it exacerbates conflict. Not really, it is better to splash out loud and at full force than to hiss quietly, get all hotter and angrier partners.
- And the last rule: Bring it to the end. If a conflict has already arisen, you both have to come to some kind of end. He admits wrongdoing, you admit that your claim is not valid, you choose a compromise, one of you will give in – no matter how, but the quarrel must be set point, otherwise it is a time bomb. And sooner or later it will explode.
How to find a psychologist if you want to understand the relationship or yourself
Find a psychologist or contact a specialist through our service invme. To do this, you first need to register on the website. After a few simple steps you will find yourself in a private office. In the tab “search for appointments” you will find the necessary block – “create ad”.
After that, you will go to the selection of the category. In your case, it will be “Other”. Back up the event with a keyword and go on.
Describe the event in detail. You can make two announcements at once. In the first, write that you’re looking for a trusted psychologist, tell briefly about yourself and what you would like to discuss with the specialist. And in the second, ask users if they have in mind a good psychologist. When you get feedback, you can write to the person you are interested in.
There is a premium account on invme, which adds extra features to the service and opens up new options for users. You will be able to invite any person you like to meet and see who has bookmarked your event. You’ll also see a badge in your account verifying your status as a Premium member.
Users have an opportunity to communicate directly on the portal. We’ve created a special social network where anyone can meet interesting people and continue to communicate in private messages. You will see the entire history of correspondence.
After that all you have to do is to meet the person and find out if he/she is suitable for you or not. Don’t despair and remember that you are sure to meet a specialist who will help you change your life for the better.